adulting, Blogging, family, free will, letting go, life, New beginnings

My baby is no longer a baby

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My baby (on the right in the picture above with blue dreads, this was on her birthday having brunch with our favorite pals) has recently turned 18 and is trying to spread her wings. She’s part of the reason I will be blogging more often because I need an outlet for the battles we will have as she explores her newly acquired adulthood. She’s been 18 for a week now, has 2 tattoos and doesn’t want me to drive her and her friends places because; “Mom, that’s embarrassing, I’m an adult now.” Really?

A little background on my little adult. She started college at the age of 16, she’s now in her 2nd year and will be getting ready to transfer to a university soon majoring in clinical psychology. She has always been that child out of the box, conventional parenting didn’t work for her. It’s been a challenge raising her and as an adult the challenges will become more intense as she tries to assert her adult-ness.

When it was time to learn the alphabet, no workbooks for this kid. We tried and at the end we were both frustrated and in tears. Instead, we used chocolate pudding. I would spread the pudding on a cookie sheet and she couldn’t lick her finger until she wrote the correct letter or word. No coloring within the lines and the only arts and crafts she’ll do was toe painting.

Now, my baby is no longer a baby and is determined to claim her legal right to be treated as an adult.

Her style has always been different. In elementary, she had to wear a uniform, to express her uniqueness she would purposely mismatch her socks (way before it was a style) or accessorize. In middle school, with no uniforms as a requirement…the fashion diva was born. Due to her uniqueness and unwillingness to conform to the norm she was teased and bullied, a lot. The self-harming started. In high school, the hair dying, extensions and piercings commenced. The bullying continued. Suicide attempts and ideation took over. We’ve finally had enough and took her out of school in 9th grade to home-school her. A daunting task and I was scared out of my mind. However, it was the happiest I have ever seen her in a long time. My regret was not having done this sooner, unfortunately, as a single parent working over 60 hours a week I didn’t think I was capable of homeschooling an independent, strong willed, hormonal child. With the help of intense therapy and lots of love and care we were able to heal the wounds bullying caused.

Now, that this strong, young lady is a new adult; will the world finally accept her for who she is or tear her down and spit her out? This is my worst fear. Is she really ready for adulting? Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with adulting myself, will my baby be able to handle the responsibilities and freedom adulting brings?

Time will only tell. My oldest daughter didn’t handle it too well and now she says it was the worst year of her life. I can only hope that my youngest is going to be stronger and more responsible than her sister.

One day at a time and a lot of self care. It’s like I’m going through labor again with all this deep breathing I’ve been doing.

Inhale, exhale. Repeat.

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Blogging, Empty nest, family, Goals, Hobby, life, Midlife, New beginnings

I just couldn’t sleep, thoughts of my life have been keeping me up, woundering if, I am the only one out there just realizing I’ve lived half my life and still haven’t accomplished what I would of liked to by the age of 40.

I’m not quiet 40, I’m two months away. I’m struggling financially, living paycheck by paycheck. I’m still not in grad school. No house, throwing away my money to rent. No savings. Not even close to running in a marathon. My health has declined, instead of improving. By now I would of thought I would of had some type of stability, be more active, and healthy.

As my daughters start the beginnings of their young adult life it’s my turn to focus on last half of my life. Part of that is this blogging journey I’ve always wanted to venture in but always had distractions and lack of time. Now, that I have more time on my hands, I hope to build my blog and at least I can say I’ve accomplished something by the time I turn 40.

Therefore, today I start writing and working on myself. My blog will be my accountability and new baby to nurture and watch it grow.

What keeps me awake

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UGH!!!! BLAH!!! WTF!!! FML!!! SMH!!!

UGH!!!! BLAH!!! WTF!!! FML!!! SMH!!! Yes, that sums it up. That’s the whole jest of my life in 5 acronyms. Kinda sad. We all have hopes, dreams, and wishes. For some reason it never ends up like we like. I find myself hitting my head against the wall, trying to knock some sense into me. I never learn. You ever feel like you give your all and at the end your the one picking up the pieces thrown at you or trying to remove the knife jammed at your back. UGH!!!! BLAH!!! WTF!!! FML!!! SMH!!! That’s been the story of my life. Why don’t I ever never learn? Why, oh why? Do we ever learn? Well, it depends. In my case, probably not. It’s in my nature to help and be strong for you, me, and whoever else needs it. So, you want examples? Fine. But, don’t judge me too harshly. I’ve heard them all. “You never learn.” “Let them figure it out.” “Just care about yourself.” “Stop trying to help people who don’t appreciate you.” BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!!!

My UGH moment:

While I was married, my husband at the time failed to tell me he had a daughter. In fact, he failed to tell ANYONE he had a daughter. For 3 years he hid this little secret. At the time we were separated. I agreed to get back together if he tells his family.

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blogging101, bonds, family, life, love, sisters

A Sister bond

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I’ve always had trouble keeping friends. Growing up I moved around a lot and as an adult I continued to wander like a lost gypsy looking for the right ‘home’. My sister has been the only constant in my life. Even though, our relationship has gaps and separations due to my mother; we’ve always remained close. Months, years would pass and we would pick up where we left off, never missing a beat.

I didn’t have to explain myself to her like I do with others. I don’t have to apologize for being myself like I constantly find myself doing. She just gets me. If it wasn’t for her, I truly would be lonely and really lost. I hate we live far apart now. I want to be part of her every day life.

I accidentally scared her when I almost was doomed to die. I wasn’t going to tell her but she knew something wasn’t right. She always does. She can feel my vibes from thousands of miles away. She called me out of the blue and asked me, “What’s wrong?” I tried to play dumb, “Nothing, why?” Of course, there’s no fooling her. That’s how strong our bond is. She shared a dream she had last night and shared how she’s been feeling; sad, depressed, and emotional. Ugh. I knew I couldn’t lie to her. Fine. The doctor told me I have a 50% survival rate (I knew he was aiming high), my heart is failing me due to my autoimmune disease in overdrive and it was attacking EVERYTHING, and I have to start chemo!!! I don’t even have cancer!!!! It was a last resort and the doctors were crossing their fingers it would help. Right away my sister wanted to come by my side and I wanted her here. But, I knew I couldn’t be selfish. She has a job, kids, husband, responsibilities. She gave me the “you’re a survivor” pep talk. Every day she checked in on me and sent me care packages. She even sent me some positive vibes.

Her love and caring made a BIG difference. My gloomy world was illuminated by her rainbow. My sister saved me. The moment she was able to, she ran to my side. Now with her here I know I can recover and be 100%. No friend can measure to my sister. We’ve been through soo much together our bond is titanium strong. Even though I don’t have many true friends, I have my sister and that’s enough for me. I love her more than I love myself. You would never know she’s 3 years younger because she loves to pretend to be older. I let her have the ‘Big Sissy’ title because in my eyes she is like a big sister. As a child I tried my best to protect her and raise her. My mom was even jealous my sister saw me as a mother figure. I would receive calls from my mom and the conversation would start with “your daughter…”. As an adult “my daughter” became wiser and stronger, now she wanted to protect and guide me. It was easy to hand over the reins to her because I knew she was ready and I was tired of being strong for both of us.

When I look at my sister, I feel soo proud of her. She overcame a life of abuse (sadly to say all 3), addiction, and numerous suicide attempts. Today, she is a parent of 2 beautiful (I don’t say that just because they’re related) kids, an elementary school teacher for under privileged children, sober, and embracing life.

I hope that one day my daughters will have the bond my sister and I have.
An unbreakable bond.
A bond that lasts forever.
A powerful bond that heals from far.
An unconditional bond.
A sister bond.

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“who I am and why I’m here”

I am a single parent of two teen Divas, healthcare slave (ICU nurse), and partner to a 44 year old “failure to launch”. I have other roles, as well; however, these are the roles that have been more challenging. I am exploring blogging to find myself and share my experiences so you won’t feel alone in this crazy world. 😉

(FYI: This is my 4th attempt to “Publish”. Surely, blogging can’t be that hard. Crossing my fingers this time and copying to paste if it doesn’t work. My first draft was better.)

Now that I kinda got the publishing of blogs accomplished, I can continue with “who I am and why I’m here”. I love to help people and I consider myself a “people person”. Even though, many have called me a “success”; I still feel empty inside. I feel like I haven’t reached my full potential. I have written in journals for what seems like forever, it’s time to expose my inner thoughts and feelings. I’m ready to let the world know who I really am and what I am about. One day I hope to be happy with myself. I don’t need riches or fame, I need inner happiness.

I plan to blog on ICU etiquette, how to manage stress, how not to loose your mind while raising teens, the injustice in our judicial system, just life in a nutshell and any lemons thrown at it. I’ve found writing to be therapeutic and with some feedback it might grow into a nice hobby. If I “blog successfully throughout the next year”, I hope to have reached out to one person and give them some inspiration.

Let the blogging begin!!!

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